Our New Skin Serum is Anti-Aging, Anti-Wrinkle, Anti-Old, and Deeply Ageist to Its Core – McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

We here at Clarity Cosmetics are thrilled to announce the rollout of our debut skin-care oil. Our new anti-aging, blemish-reducing serum will have your skin looking better and more youthful than ever. There are, however, a few things we’d like to get ahead of regarding this product, its usage, and its (mostly) temporary side effects.

This product is extremely effective in shedding old skin cells and regenerating new ones. Your skin will peel and burn and wither away, then be born again anew. Don’t worry, our serum is proven to have you looking fresh out of the womb, drenched in afterbirth. You’ll be dewy as hell. But you will have to suffer through this initial “purging” stage first.

You may find the purging stage to be somewhat alarming—our test subjects have described it as “utterly grotesque” and “a fate worse than death” and “the last straw in my already crumbling marriage.”

In terms of duration, this stage can last anywhere from three weeks to thirty years.

Moreover, you’ll have an uncontrollable urge to scratch your eyes out and you’ll experience an inexplicable, deep-seated dread whenever you’re near a body of water. Is this normal? Sorry—we shouldn’t be asking you whether it’s normal; we should be telling you that it is, in fact, a normal side effect of our product and definitely not something you’ll have to reckon with every day for the rest of your life.

Oh! Did we mention that this product has a unique texture? Remember making that goo in middle school science class? The one that was liquid when you weren’t touching it but solid when you were? Yeah, our product is like that. It wasn’t our intention, that’s just how things shook out. Is this what other skin-care products feel like? Never mind, forget we asked.

Just to be clear: this product will ravage your skin. It will dissolve it down to the bone and you’ll look like a scary skeleton. People will scream when they look at you, and you’ll be ostracized from society. But it’s important to keep in mind that once this is over, the new skin that regenerates will be butter-soft and silky smooth.

In other words: it’s worth it.

You’ll require more than a prescription to acquire our serum. To be completely transparent, you’ll need five licensed dermatologists to perform an ill-advised seance, summoning and convening with the devil himself, before they sign off on your usage of this product. Like, they’ll need to sell their immortal souls, and will be forced to spend an eternity in the Underworld. You’ll harbor the guilt for their damnation for the rest of your meager existence. But, in exchange, the pores on your face will be, like, so small.

FDA approval is right on the horizon.

The stress alone from dealing with the side effects of this serum will take years off your life—not to mention the side effect that explicitly takes two years off your life right from the jump. But just remember: good, shiny baby skin.

Our serum is anti-aging, anti-wrinkle, anti-old, and deeply ageist at its core. This product says: “old people shouldn’t have rights.”

It will improve your relationship with your skin, while subsequently causing the rapid disintegration of every other important relationship in your life. You’ll never speak to your parents again.

Plump powdery doll skin.

A witch brewed this serum in a caldron, and we’re not positive, but we think there’s a chance she may have cursed it? But there’s also a chance she didn’t. We really don’t know. We just got a weird vibe when we picked up the serum and she told us that we’d “never prosper” and that the flesh would “rot off our bones” and “fall away putrid before our eyes.” Honestly, it was super off-putting. We’re not too worried about it though.

Anyway, while the initial purging period after using this skin serum may be—to vastly minimize it—rough, the end results are well worth it. Will you now be completely alone in the world, consumed by an all-encompassing isolation, the likes of which you’ve never experienced before? Yes. Will you have a shorter lifespan, an intense aversion to open water, and an increased risk of colon cancer? Yes. What’s that? We didn’t mention the colon cancer thing before? It’s not that big of a deal. Will you have an almost 100 percent chance of developing some form of colon cancer in your life? Sure. But will your skin be tight, taut, and glow unnervingly, even as you lie cold in your casket? Yes! So, overall, a net positive.

Now that we got all that out of the way—I’d like to introduce you to another one of our products: our new hair conditioning mask that gives your hair an unbeatable luster and a gorgeous shine. There’s a few things you should be aware of, though—just hear me out.

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